i sip on dreams and choke on real things. if you live through this with me, i swear that i will die for you.

To go to France, and marry a nice Catholic girl with blonde hair. [02 Jan 2009|02:02am] In my journals, I romanticize myself as feeling 'just like a character in a Sofia Coppola film' - referring specifically to Lost In Translation, and although I can of course relate to feeling lost, I'm not 'just like a character in a Sofia Coppola film.' I do, however, daydream in vibrant colors but I don't have that mostly-80's-soundtrack-with-the-one-off-Strokes-song thing going on in the background of my life. And maybe that's what's missing. If anything is missing. Is anything missing? I'm in love with not one, but many beautiful people. Some are drug-induced invisible best friends and lovers I made up in my head, and some are electrified versions of a mixture between beautiful people from reality and Ambien spiked dreams but then there are still some who are as real as I am. I'm in love with many intelligent, brilliant, talented, super hot foxes. Not 'in love' like the nice Catholic girl with blonde hair I want to marry; the girl that would make my mother happy. The girl who would come home with me for Christmas, and who my family will love and she'll love them back. The nice Catholic girl with blonde hair who will finally convince everyone that I've found some traditional sexual identity. Not 'in love' like her, but rather this sea of both imaginative and real-life loves. The people I already have, and the people I hope will stick around. I like the way things are. The plan is to keep floating along. The plan is to keep doing drugs. Some legally, some arguably legally, some illgeally. Some rarely. Some sporadically. Some often. Some never, too, of course but I do drugs. I do drugs in LA, and I do drugs in Mississippi. I do drugs in Chicago, New Orleans, Texas, New Zealand, Atlanta, Tennessee, San Francisco, Las Vegas, and New York. I do drugs, and people take pictures of me looking fucked up - and I don't mind because, both on drugs and off, this is the happiest I've been in at least fifteen years. This is a code I've unlocked; a formula that best suits me. A balance that I understand. The plan is to dream, write, improve my karma, find the most appropriate balance between living in a fairy tale and living in reality, and to not lose all the love that I found. New Year's resolution for 2009: Keep rocking steady. mono

Melatonin [11 Oct 2008|07:12pm] "SUCH IS LIFE," is one thing I may or may not get tattooed on my arm one day. I'm over twenty-and-a-half, and I still don't drink coffee. I would, but I never crave it so I don't see the point, really. Coffee isn't nearly as nurturing as tea, and being awake usually isn't as nurturing as sleeping. Not for me, at least. Possibly with the exception of these last few months where I've found a not-so-inappropriate mixture of being awake and asleep seemingly at the same time. It's not exactly the result of a balanced diet, although I have been eating regularly. It's probably the absence of hard drugs, combined with daily prescription medications for anxiety and insomnia, watching too much 30 Rock, and melatonin dietary supplement pills. I don't see myself ever regretting this part of my life, as pointless as it may seem. Every morning, the day wins for a few hours when the sun beams in through the window and wakes me up but by night, the colors are absolutely perfect. Inside, it's that television-lit morphine blue and outside, the city glows as it always does--where you know it looks much better back inside, on the television screen but the weather melts your heart. I wasn't going to say "melts your heart," as to not reference Jenny Lewis and have this, therefore, become what I usually write: an elaborate list of people, places, and things (also known as nouns) that I like but then I remembered that I'm already stealing the phrase "SUCH IS LIFE" from the 1915 silent drama film of the same name. Not really, but I did already mention 30 Rock and by "prescription medication for anxiety" I obviously meant Xanax so this will end as most of my thoughts do. I actually meant to write an essay or something about how some artists shouldn't revisit their classic albums on major anniversaries, but the point I was going to make wasn't going to be original, and I was going to use all the wrong albums as examples. mono

SOFTCORE PORN/weeds/to-do lists/life, etc. [26 Aug 2008|03:40am] Softcore porn comes on Showtime, somewhere around 2, 3 AM. Last night's episode of Weeds was, hands down, the best of Season 4 so far - in my opinion. If you watch Weeds, and you've seen this episode - I'd love to share a "WTF!" with you. Yesterday was the first day of school, but instead of going to school - I went to the valley, got lunch with Claire and went to Megan's house to pick up Claire's jacket and two of my disposable cameras that we accidentally left there on Friday. It was an adventure to the deep valley... and still, immensely more enjoyable than going to school. Today, I need to go to Best Buy to buy a flash drive to give to Django for him to upload our many, many Vegas pictures to so that I or somebody else can downsize them and make them Facebook-viewable. Megan and I can't wait to see the pictures from our "wedding" where Django was the priest and Georgia was the maid of honor and Sam was the best man and photographer. I mean, I've gotta see those pictures... fuck, you've gotta see those pictures! And more, from that insane adventure. Fuck, I really need to call my doctor who took my blood last week... and ask him what's up with the lab results. I really need to know if I'm... you know, dying or something. He said he'd call last Friday... he didn't. He didn't call yesterday either. I've gotta call him. TODAY. After Best Buy, I'm gonna try to get some school stuff in line... today and Wednesday - and maybe see The House Bunny with Frankie at the Grove. I also need to call a taxi company to open a corporate account so that I don't have to always have cash on me when I use a cab... this, in addition to the drivers I've been hiring MOSTLY for going to and from the airport. It all goes on credit... but credit is so much easier to find than cash! Tomorrow I need to finish this week's school things... and be totally ready to start going to classes next Wednesday (after we're out Monday for Labor Day) - so I need to find two other classes I want to take, and hopefully there will be openings and I can enroll. So school HAS to be taken care of by Wednesday. I also need to get ready for Las Vegas... print the tickets to see Love, and Chris Rock, pack my usual shit, pack wine, pack a wine opener, pack the show tickets... check-in online, even check-in Benji online maybe, print my boarding pass, pack my boarding pass. Go to the ATM, and like, at least $200 in cash for Vegas (and then probably another $100 after i get there). Book a driver to LAX, and from the Las Vegas airport to the hotel (for me and Benji). I need to call, who else but my parents, and get my rent paid since it's almost the end of the month. I need to leave a check out for Anna, for the maid service... it's been a while. And then Thursday, after I get the last few things about school taken care off... I fly to Las Vegas, and check-in to the hotel and then I meet my best friend Benji at the airport... This is our five year anniversary of friendship! And then we're gonna take Vegas on... it's going to be nothing compared to when it was me, Megan, Sam, Django, Georgia, and Sebastian but I believe (...maybe Benji doesn't fully believe, who knows) but I fucking believe we still have a natural flair for having an incredible time together... and if nothing else, the Beatles: Love show will be incredible... and then an hour later, the comedy of Chris Rock (who Benji doesn't like... but, I'm an asshole and I think it's funny in itself that we're going to see him... and I really do think we're both going to find it quite funny!). So Vegas... round four for me, with a spectacular 21st birthday round coming in March... and then Benji and I are coming back to LA, and probably just having a somewhat typical LA adventure. Then he leaves, Django has a show on the 2nd, I have a dermatologist appointment on the 4th... ha, September is currently a fairly blank calendar... but Ben Shaman comes October 2nd, and then I have therapy, and then we're going to see LIZ PHAIR play Exile In Guyville in its entirety, in order... and then he's leaving, and I'm seeing LIZ PHAIR play Exile In Guyville in its entirety, in order AGAIN... and then mid-October, going to San Francisco... seeing Megan, of course. Seeing Django's show there. And then I go home, and hopefully will maintain this beautiful state of mind in which I've been living (thanks, primarily to bleaching my hair... and my lovely friends)... and we're going to New Orleans, to go to Voodoo Fest... this will be the fourth year I've gone with Benji, and his family so In addition to being pretty excited about finally seeing R.E.M., after growing up listening to them so much... I'm really looking forward to hanging out with Benji's family, because... well, his mom especially... is really tapped into one of the same frequencies I operate on, I think and I really enjoy her company. Molly, too, will hopefully be there to say "Cougar" - as this, and many other silly words make me extraordinarily comforted. Then November, and Thanksgiving at home... and then December, the end of this semester, winter break, and Christmas at home... 2009, renewing my lease in February, next semester starts in February too... my 21st birthday in March, in Las Vegas with Anna, Bo, Megan, Sam, Django, Benji... and hopefully many more... and then almost straight from my 21st birthday, to my youngest sister Allison's wedding. She's marrying the same guy she's been dating since I was 7... so it's obviously about time! She used to tell me I could DJ at the wedding... but apparently they're getting a professional to do it. Somewhat of a let down, but I'm sure my song requests will still get through... and then that's already April 2009. See how time flies, when you always have incredible things to look forward to - and as long as my doctor doesn't return my call with some tragic news about my blood tests... and as long as I don't, in general, die... or get aids and/or cancer, or anything along those lines... and as long as my friends hang around for a while, things are looking pretty damn good for the near future. NAM MYOHO RENGE KYO xx 1 SWEETHEART / mono

'Flight 448' [08 Jul 2008|10:54pm] Something about plane crashes. Flight 448 isn't the now canceled 789 flight, and 789 isn't 798. 798, July 9th 2008 isn't exactly new beginnings, but rather... picking up where I left off with a few things, and entering a new phase of optimism about the rest of the year. A new phase of focus, about plans - writing, work/school/etc., strength, and spirituality. A day closer to Autumn. A day closer to... better days; things to look forward to. Lights, before and after. Inspiration, and lots and lots of writing. This is it. If Flight 448 crashes, and it's over... I may have a lot to show for it; a lot more than those fucking peasants - but I don't have just quite everything I want together yet. I've gotta get and stay inspired - and write. I've gotta find some structure in work/school/etc. I've gotta get and stay strong, mentally and let my strength project positively onto my family and friends. I've gotta stay spiritual. And then it needs to be Autumn, but until then I need these things, and I need lights. Lights, and the appropriate amount of communication with the people I love. And a budget. And then I'm good. mono

fuckkkkkkkkkkkk [25 Jun 2008|11:27pm] I can't be serious. I can't seriously be writing one of these vague bulletins - but I'm just sitting in my parents bed... running out of Xanax, Xanax XR, Ambien, Ambien CR, and Valium and waiting for, I don't know and sometimes I wish that, instead of working on writing as an art, and making it... compelling, or whatever, that I could just scream what I really feel. LESS THAN A YEAR AGO! And it was so comforting, that I would just fall asleep. I have this one picture, in bed, at this beautiful hotel in the middle of this fake, chaotic place... and it was perfect, so fucking perfect. but what I've survived now, will I have to give it up too? there is no back-up, not like that. I was lucky to have what I had and again and maybe that's all I'm gonna get, I can't even imagine... in all the people in the world... anybody better, more fitting. I'm talking about two different things, so I really don't know what I'm saying but I'VE HAD IT ALL, enough. a good enough life, more life experience than most people ever get, and at a much younger age and now, if I have to keep living, I wish I could just fall asleep in that bed every night, with that person or if no doubt would just fucking tour already and if somebody would give me lots and lots of money, not for happiness because I already had that but just so i could have lots and lots of money and I wouldn't go to Paris, I would just spend it all on.... THERE'S NOTHING I WANT! okay, except i want my family to be happy and healthy, i want to write a really good book, i want the love of my life back, i want my best friend to still be my best friend but be better at it, and peace on earth, of course. and to not die in a plane crash. and to not get aids. and for there to be like 845438954385947359843759834753498 more episodes of family guy, 30 rock (but only really good ones, and LIZ TO NOT HAVE A KID BECAUSE I CAN'T RELATE AND THAT'S SO ABOUT TO HAPPEN NEXT SEASON) and WEEDS and HIGH QUALITY DARIA ON DVD, and an endless supply of xanax like way more than this, RYAN, of course. lots and lots of ryan. can't he just go get waffles with me or something? go to barney's? whatever. i want Jill at the roosevelt hotel in los angeles to die, tragically, and I want everybody at the grafton, the chateau marmont to die. TRAGICALLY. like, Hostel movie status tragic. and i want there to be a movie about it, with real footage of them dying. i want everybody to be more british, and i don't want bad karma for wishing death upon so many people because they don't really deserve to die as much as some people do, as much as... some people I love do. but i love them, so I can't help but not wish death upon them. i appreciate it when Allison calls me, I think we talked for like 30 minutes today but she still picked on me too much when I was growing up and, apparently, locked doors might have something to do with why i'm the way i am but it wasn't anything crazy enough to translate well into my writing these days. which is good, i guess. thank you anna, ben, twiggy, devon, evan. This is what I'll do, I'll just write these crazy things, and delete them later because I don't mean half of this. 1 SWEETHEART / mono

'It was the plow that broke the western plains.' [23 May 2008|03:12am] If the night of Tuesday, May 20th 2008 was every day; if this crashes, like the irritability that comes after only getting two hours of sleep the morning before - then how are we going to listen to these Rilo Kiley songs anymore? If it all falls down - I don't think that, after this weekend, I could bare to listen to Take-Offs & Landings; I don't think that, after this past December in Hollywood, I could bare to listen to More Adventurous. But as of right now - It's not falling. It's not falling, and on top of that - I have things to look forward to, and can still listen to Rilo Kiley. That night, your presence was the physical equivalent to those blithe text messages you often send me. It was only minor damage, though - and whatever wounds there may have been, they were quickly healed by the Pacific Ocean the next day, and with chemistry, chemicals, and 30 Rock later that night - reality became an amplified version of the very things I was wishing I had the night before; the things that could save me from my anxious mind. The things that could save me from your words; the way you were talking to me, with ungrateful wine stained on your teeth and lips. Minor damage, minor recovery - a better presence. Things were good, and now they're still good. Here's hoping. Here's looking forward to. Chinese food and an adventure downtown is a nice touch on life. Fresh air to my reality and dreams. mono

Replica [03 May 2008|07:31pm] Manipulation is as poisonous as a Daffodil, and I have all of the symptoms: nausea, headaches, blurred vision - but you're too consumed with desire to even notice, and why shouldn't you be? Look at the beauty! That fine work of art of his; the masterpiece that you lack, and what a masterpiece she is. Am I being nothing but absolutely cruel by pointing out how arbitrary you are? I don't own a van Gogh original, but I'd rather visit the Museum of Modern Art and see The Starry Night in person than buy a cheap reproduction of it on a post card at the airport gift shop. mono

Threads [01 Apr 2008|11:17pm] When I go through the 'Photos of You Added by You' or 'Photos of You Added by Others' on Facebook - it's a guaranteed panic attack. Next, next, next - through hundreds of pictures; through times that I would give anything to erase, to times that I honestly thought life couldn't get any better. And it didn't; it got worse - and the threads starting detaching as if I was ripping through a set of Egyptian cotton bed sheets. Facebook, all too well, documents me perpetually trying to find myself, through full-fledged survival mode, through all the love that I found in two thousand and seven, through remnants from before the full-fledged survival mode, through bad ideas on a beautiful day, through when the rope got tight, through when I thought the rope was still too tight but Facebook told me that there's a sixty photo limit per each album so it was time to move on, and now I'm where I am: this ship was built to last. A few of the threads that detached were quickly sewn back together because, despite how the days may be treating us - or sometimes, how we are treating ourselves to the days, "Happiness is the best revenge." mono

[17 Mar 2008|08:06pm] I have to wake up, and leave my apartment at 5 AM tomorrow morning to go to the airport. If you know me, you're probably aware that I have an crazy-intense panic disorder/anxiety thing when it comes to flying (although, to be... ironic? I fly as much as possible)--there's gonna be really bad storms tomorrow in Houston, where I already have a five hour layover--and the weather will probably cause even more delays. I'm sick... either with a severe cold, or possibly the flu, and flying... surviving rough air, and spending 5+ hours wondering around the Houston airport is going to be hell while I'm trying to recover from this cold/flu thing. But I've been sick for three... four days already, and am prescribing myself antibiotics so I should at least be better before my birthday... which I'm celebrating on Friday, even though it's actually on Saturday but then Easter is on Sunday and apparently Easter is a big deal to some people. I, however, dislike Easter mainly because of the pastel color scheme. So anyway, I'll be celebrating my birthday this Friday and Ben Shaman is playing at the Fondren Beverage Emporium at six, I believe, on Friday as well so if you're a nice person, and not in the business of fucking up my twentieth birthday--you should come, and say hi. He'll be covering Ryan Adams songs, I hear... and really, that's the important thing. mono

[03 Mar 2008|08:48pm] I skipped school today, and on a whim - I went to the DMV, and got my license which was nothing short of pure luck, 'cos I've never even looked at the driver's manual but now I have a valid license in the state in which I reside. Then I walked to Amoeba and got Rushmore, The Truman Show, and 30 Rock - Season 1 on DVD, and another copy of Cold Roses on vinyl, and Fiona Apple's Extraordinary Machine and Elliott Smith's Either/Or on vinyl as well and then I saw Charlie Barlett at ArcLight and it's not five-star-status but I laughed, I cried; definitely a good movie. And then I took the Metro to Hollywood and Highland, and pushed my way through the crowds of people gawking at Raven Symone, Martin Lawrence, and Brenda Song at the premier of College Road Trip which basically just meant that half of Hollywood Blvd. was blocked off, and I had to go to the Roosevelt to get a taxi to go home. And I still hate Jill, who works at the Roosevelt. I still fucking hate her, and that's ridiculous but I love that about myself, and I love today. I mean, I'm about to pour myself a plastic cup of cheap wine and listen to records. Is there much else I could ask for? Oh yeah: friends, and just in case there was any doubt - right as I was writing that line of this note, my phone rang and it was my best friend calling. I hope you had a good day, unless you're Jill from the Roosevelt or worse, somebody I hate even more. But we're most likely not friends on LiveJournal if I hate you even more than I hate Jill. 1 SWEETHEART / mono

[26 Feb 2008|01:44am] Dear Mr. Charles Shaw, you're cheap and you sure do know how to make me feel as lovely as the true blue kid I never was. And, as I sit here in this seemingly never-ending battle with nostalgia, you and I both know that ultimately these memories will lose to a fitting red wine, Xanax, and Nyquil cocktail. mono

[26 Feb 2008|01:22am] Success serenades me, and pressures at the door - broken promise debris lie around from my mind war, and my accomplishments interrogating me. Today's become tomorrow before I wanted it to be. Desperate discussions disturb the destruction I assigned in my mind. I'll be fine, I'll be fine... I always had to try harder, I never really could keep up - sitting in the corner with my illness and bad luck but in this humble place I'm feeling like red wine, and I hope to get better with some time. I'll be fine, in some time I'll be fine... And the rituals that soothe and disgust me will be gone in some time, I'll be fine. In some time I'll be fine, I'll be fine... 1 SWEETHEART / mono

Political Scientist [25 Feb 2008|12:33pm] I should be studying for my Political Science quiz since this is the first impression Dr. Brian Lawson or whatever his name is will get of me, I really should give it my all and show him that I'm bright... but am I bright? I keep reading, somewhat wanting to comprehend the world of Political Science but really I'm just day-dreaming. And even if I am bright, do I care if Dr. Brian Lawson thinks I am? Yes and no. I should because of this, and I shouldn't because of that. It's possible that I'm in dire need of this education to, you know, actually make something of myself but it's also possible that I'm the king of the world. I'll let you know when I find out. This night has had beautiful minutes here and there. It's a good enough night; I'm happy with tonight. I have this feeling that I understand life better tonight than I have in recent nights, and so far - it doesn't really have anything to do with Political Science. This week: school, work, school, work, San Francisco - to see Megan!, after that: school, work, school, work, Twiggy's play, concert, school, work, school, work, war protest, school, home, twenty, Easter, back to LA, school, work, school, work, school, Spring Break... ...with lots and lots of breathing in between. 1 SWEETHEART / mono

[24 Feb 2008|09:55pm] mono

[22 Feb 2008|02:04am] mono

[21 Feb 2008|02:15am] I love sleeping, I really do. And I long for so much of two thousand seven hat it almost makes this year impossible to completely enjoy. It's not a bad year, so far but it's not nearly as enchanting as last year was. I need March; I really need to recreate some of last year's high points. I need to haunt my nights, alone in a big house. Just me, some Xanax, and a few seasons of Family Guy on DVD. I need something that I'm both looking forward to, and equally fearing. I need to travel somewhere that people I don't necessarily care about miss me; I need to travel somewhere that people I do actually care about miss me. I need Anna Nicole Smith to die again. I need inspiration. I need to write. I need to do this. I need to obsessively make lists of the things I need. Even more so, I need to obsessively make lists of the things that I'm thankful for. I need to move on from last year, but my list of the things that I'm thankful for this year is remarkably similar to my list of things that I'm thankful for from last year. With a few additions and subtractions; a few people higher on the list, and a few lower. My list of the things I need, or think I need rather, is remarkably similar to what was the reality of last year. It seems like I need to move on from something, though... but what am I moving to, if all I want are things I already had/have? I still generally like people that like Ryan Adams, and people who have sincere opinions about things. My favorite people this year... well, it's basically the same list as it was last year but with a few additions: Megan, Bo, Alex, Devon, Twiggy, Cam, and the friends I made in New Zealand. I don't like too many people, but some people just come along and impact your life, and they probably have absolutely no idea. My favorite memories are still a montage of music, particularly No Doubt and Ryan Adams, and visuals from Kingdom Hearts I & II, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Daria (which is, hands down, still one of the things on my list of things that I'm thankful for. It's still not out on DVD, but I have it! Thank you Scout! ), and the colors of Marie Antoinette. If you made the list last year, you're still on it this year. And I'm sure I'm forgetting some major additions. Add to that: Lost In Translation, every single fucking memory from New Zealand, watching shitty television shows with my parents; having the first real bonding experience with them in years, the cities of Wellington, New Orleans, Chicago, and Santa Barbara, airplanes, the best roommate in the entire world, Soka Gakki International; spirituality, chanting, peace, and more recently, praying, Ambien, the first five chapters of The Bell Jar, Bridge To Terabithia, driving with the windows down and the radio up, Tangled But True, talking to Amanda Doucet about Avril Lavigne, road trips, Bonnaroo, lighting candles in cathedrals, lengthy text message conversations, lottery tickets, giving my best friend a hug in April when he's not in jail, giving my best friend a hug in February when he's still my best friend, various hotel rooms around the world, the 2008 Presidential Election, drinking Coke until I get tired of it and start drinking Sprite, remembering that I'm not a bad person; that I'm actually a pretty good friend, and key necklaces. mono

[20 Feb 2008|12:30am] I have this really unfortunate disability to where, no matter how hard I try, I can't evenly spread peanut butter and jelly on bread when I'm making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. My Mother has the same problem, so I think it's hereditary. 2 SWEETHEARTs / mono

[18 Feb 2008|11:34pm] And I use mouthwash, sometimes I floss. I got a family, and I drink cups of tea. I've got nostalgic pavements. I've got familiar faces. I've got mixed-up memories, and I've got favorite places. 1 SWEETHEART / mono

[18 Feb 2008|10:55pm] I'm just writing this as documentation that I'm happier today; that I was happier this past weekend than I was the week or weekend before. Possibly longer. Possibly a lot longer. mono

[14 Feb 2008|01:39am] so anyway, hi megan! what's up? 1 SWEETHEART / mono

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